I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.