Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
