I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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