There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I touched a dick in church today
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
