He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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