My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
