So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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