my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
