then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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