She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
