well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
