He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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