Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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