The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
