alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
