How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
