Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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