Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
