Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
