i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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