dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
