She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
