I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
