You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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