How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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