Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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