I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
