i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
