it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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