He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
