he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
