we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
