theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
