They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
