If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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