I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
