these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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