I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
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Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.