I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
