Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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