Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
