his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
