there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
