it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I did not marry a roomba.
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