Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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