It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
