Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
