The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Help. Why am I so naked?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
