I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
