Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
