In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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