Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
