Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
