please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
