just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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