when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time to smoke my breakfast
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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