actually, I'm a sock model
from now on my penis is your penis
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
