i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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