they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
this hospital has no fireball
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
