Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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