I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
