i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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